The go-go boys 1

I was lured by the handsome benefits that comes with it as life makes it quite difficult for me to survive as the first child and also got lots of responsibilities to fill as all expectations have been placed on me just because I live in Diaspora and after all I can live my life just the way I want without my parent supervision moreover they are praying for my success and I felt this is the result of their prayers. I got employment as a go go dancer at a bar that was known for its highly explicit sex shows. I was marveled when the manager of one the bars invited me over to his office and asked if I would be interested in making extra money of course I am more than ready that was the answer I gave in reply. He said to me that I have got a nice sized d*** and a very nice shape and for the fact that I wasn’t shy I would make a great showman. There were no many performers as at then because you have got to get the heart of a lion to step on the stage and perform outrageously.

I performed completely naked and with a full erect penis jerking myself rhythmically to the music and to maintain the erection I had to use a cock ring or a condom which I wrapped tightly around the base of my penis. This was often extremely painful but as the saying goes he who will dine with the devil must have a loooong spoon. Walter and I worked together and we always performed the active role matched with some passive who are mostly sissy in stimulated anal sex. As soon as we are done with act we roved around the audience collecting tips for such a wonderful performance. Occasionally there used to be a masturbation contest organized by the manager which were judged by how far or quickly we could shoot our semen. Before taking on the stage contenders were fed a hefty diet of porn to get them in the mood. When ready, the boys scrambled on their seats on stage and went for it wildly before an awe-struck audience. This kind of competition increased in popularity until it became a daily event that was used to draw crowds into bars.

At one of the contests I met a transgender boy. whose name is Kathy,quickly we became a long term client. She was highly feminine with long, natural hair,fair complexion and a petite body. Her exceptional beauty won her many transgender beauty contests. She invited me over to her house if I am interested in living with her and immediately I jumped on such a golden offer as houses in the metropolitan cities are quite exorbitant. I quit the bar show and I moved to her and she is a sophisticated lady with a very good income although she has not completed her transplant with a penis still dangling under her pant things were going on smoothly between us and I had no issue as I was the one playing the active role. It didn’t matter that she still had a penis because in every other way she was truly feminine. I never bothered asking her why she has not undergone her complete surgery because with the look of things she feel happy with the way she was and that was good for me also.

I became a waiter in the well respected hotel she managed their beauty salon. Being the very first transgender I met she introduced me to her parent as her boyfriend and I was gladly welcomed by the parent and we got an approval for our relationship as Kathy earned a good salary and was well respected by her family. she has gained a lot of respect within her community because of her kindness and charity.

I know she really loved me and I had a good intentions for both of us,we lived together for a month before relocating to another city where she opened a restaurant. I would like to say that we lived happily ever after but that was not the case because in the long run I became bored with domesticity and missed my life as a go-go dancer.I became a night crawler again and no matter how much she begged me to stay I eventually end up living. My heart was not fully invested in our relationship, and carousing with buddies appealed more to me than spending time with my girlfriend,so we eventually broke up after 4 months of living together.

I thought I could be fine without her but as employment was quite difficult I had to move back to the big city to get my pieces together eventually I was provided an accommodation by one of the managers in the bars I had worked and my life as a go-go dancers came back bubbling. In the new apartment I had a room mate who is also a sissy. She had slept with numerous customers on rare occasions and sadly contracted HIV but the time I moved in it has developed to AIDS and was dying. In most of the bars you can be a DJ,doorman or a barman but you still have the audacity to sell your body if you find a good client, many of the staffs had been go-go boys but most of them have passed their prime but those who recently joined as purely regular staffs more than likely ended up either dancing or turning tricks.

My poor roommate spent her days groaning uncomfortably on a mat while struggling to maintain her weak grip on life. It wasn’t long before she would surrender to her condition. I saw the will to live seep out of her with each labored breath. Her skin became dark and dry,she smelled terribly and was plagued by bouts of diarrhea that turned her into little more than a skeleton. I tried to help her but I was scared by touching her I could contract the virus as well so I already wish her R.I.P quietly. Few days later she was collected by her family and a week after I was told she has passed on to beyond. I found this experience traumatic just by watching someone slowly and painfully fade away made me aware of my mortality. AIDS is not exclusive to anyone but working in the sex industry increases our vulnerability as we have to sleep with numerous partners and most would like to have it flesh to flesh.

One day, shortly after my return to the city,I went to a park to jog and lift weights. As I walked to a cool down after my work out,I noticed a woman reading a book under the shade of a large tree. I approached her and politely asked if I could have a sip of her water. She smiled and shyly nodded. She blushed as her hand brushed against mine while handing me the bottle. I asked if I could sit with her and she quickly agreed with her face facing the ground. We engaged in a conversation when she introduced herself to me as Cindy, she sounds very polite and friendly. I fantasized that we are two loners made for each other and were destined to be together. Our meeting wasn’t by accident it was destiny that has brought us together.

I lit a cigarette and Cindy asked if she could also have one too. As I lit it for her our hands touched a second time and Cindy never pulled away. Feeling emboldened,I took her hands firmly in mine and began making  my intentions clear. I could tell she was flattered by my advances. We were overstepping cultural boundaries by being so openly affectionate on our very first meeting. As a go-go boy I was naturally a fast mover,yet it seemed it was Cindy who was eliciting these responses in me,not my desire to earn a few thousand dollars.She had the most melancholy eyes I’d ever seen. They had a magnetic pull from which my eyes found it impossible to look away. We quickly opened up to one another and exchanged thoughts,touches and phone numbers. I imagined she was a damsel in distress and I was the hero who’d save the day. Although I revealed a good deal of personal information though I lied about my profession by saying that I worked as a doorman at a dance club in the city popularly known for gays. I invited Cindy to come over to my house where I live as that would increase our friendship level feeling confident that she would sleep with me for I thought this would strengthen our tie to one another for I sensed she was a real deal. After our first sex, her thought for a second could not depart my head. I could not stand being alone any longer and then I asked Cindy to remain living with me permanently and she readily agreed. At the time my female cousin I was staying with was visiting her boyfriend’s family as they were soon both to tie the knot. When  they returned home that evening I introduced them to Cindy, casually mentioning that she has moved in with us. Sarah rebuked me for letting my horniness be the reason for bringing in a stranger into her home. Her anger may have been justified but she went too far by calling Cindy a whore. I knew she had lost all respect for me a very long time ago but to call my new lover such names was outrageous. I barked at my cousin to keep her foul mouth shut and curtly told her to we were on her way. In record time, I packed my belongings and stormed out of the house. We headed for the room Cindy shared with her friend and there likewise, she gathered her possessions and with bags in our hand we set off to find an accommodation. By late evening  we’d lodged in a guest house. I confidently told Cindy to give up her job because as her man I intended to provide her a good life.


Exorcism- part one.

Exorcism_RitualIt was very depressing as a teenager who found obscure pleasure in my own pain. Obsessed by failure, professional and private, and unable to relieve myself in scenes like others. My only outlet was to write. Yet even in my work, I studied and inhibited that all I could ever convey was a light bitterness, a casual anger at a world which, all in all, had done well by me. A doting family, until I ceased to be a catholic at sixteen. There were much argument then but I could not budge. Even the family priest gave me up at last, perfectly bewildered by this unlooked-for apostasy. None suspected that I had forsaken the church because I am gay. For a long time I had to exorcise this unnatural spirit, demanding furiously of God that I be freed of this terrible inclination. I prayed continually but in the end, God failed me and then I turned to hell. I studied a book about witchcraft, celebrated a Black mass, tried to sell my soul to the devil in order to be free of lust and then I realised that the devil had no use for him either and so I abandoned all religion.

For a time I was happy, if only in this one act, I had at least demonstrated that I could be free but the happiness did not last long. At school I fell in love with a young athlete. It was months before I summoned up the nerve to speak to him. During this time i could do nothing but to sit near him in class, watch him play football and wait. Finally, late one afternoon when everyone else had gone home, we met in front of the school. The boy spoke first and it became easy after that.Though i was thin and shy, I have always been accepted as one of the boys, since I was admired because I was known to read a lot, an athlete would not lose caste by being his friend. So it began. Together we experimented with sex and I was as happy as he would ever be again in my life and perfectly pleased that heaven and hell had forsaken me.

The following year everything changed. The athlete liked girls and they liked him and so I felt abandoned and suffered accordingly. I became shyer, more aloof than before. I made no friends and my parents worried about me. My mother was certain that my unhappiness came from the denial of God and church. I let her believe this,unable to tell her what it was that set me apart from others and made me feel obscurely superior to all the heterosexual world, if only because I had a secret that they could not guess and an insight into the life that they did not have. Yet simultaneously I hated myself for needing the body of another man to be complete.

The go-go boys 4

Just as my patience with John was beginning to wear a thin, I found another patron or rather,he found me. He turned out to be one of the kindest and most generous people I’ve ever met.
I was dancing on the stage one night when I noticed a smart looking man staring at me. I thought he was Thai,but when I later introduced myself I discovered he was Chinese. He introduced himself and Chou. I generally attracted white American and Europeans which I referred to as ‘Oyinbos’ but I wondered why I caught the attention of a ‘Chinko’ he was slim,fair skinned and his mid-length hair was stylish. He had a movie star looks,which would have a driven some ladies crazy and he never project a gay attitude at all. Unlike my usual clients he was my age mate and stood almost six feet tall,which is unusual for an Asian man. I boldly told him I liked him so much and wanted to go out with him. He immediately agreed and without further ado we left for his office and also apartment uptown.
From that night Chou became my long term benefactor and dearest friend. Of course,when I later moved in with him I was careful not to mention Cindy and my son. Having made such a wonderful catch which we usually refer to as ‘better market’, I promptly deserted the miserly Thomas. Cindy and Jayne continued to live in the room I had rented for them and I visited them often.
In time,I discovered that Chou has his own patron or lover should I say, an European and a very wealthy business man named Chris. The plot of our little love triangle was full of intrigue and deception. Chris covered up his illicit affair with Chou by hiring him as a manager to oversee the automobile part factories he owned. In a way, Chou and I  were holding down similar jobs,but over all,Chou definitely took a higher road in life. Chris sent his lover overseas so that he could enjoy his little secret whenever he felt like it, without the threat of exposure.
Unlike me,Chou actually worked. He genuinely wanted his boyfriend’s enterprise to succeed and he employed four employees to help him. I met Chris during one of his trips to check on the business and of course his lover. He was similar to me in stature,but he was a little overweight and had thinning hair but what he lacked in looks he made up for in style as he drove around in his sleek Porsche. He’d made a fortune exporting car parts to dealers in the USA. Chris appeared to be a business mentor to Chou and Chou in turn assumed the role of devoted ad faithful employee. I was the only person privy to the true nature of their relationship. Chris had no idea I was involved with his boyfriend;he thought I was merely a local worker.
Chou didn’t love Chris but he couldn’t resist the luxuries and comforts that came with the relationship. Except for the fact that I was attracted to Chou,my feelings followed the same pattern. Asides for covering my daily expenses Chou paid me a handsome allowance of 1,500 dolls a month. I could only imagine how much Chris paid him. Chou was a very nice person and a good companion but I couldn’t commit to him as a full time lover-my heart just wasn’t in it. I didn’t tell him my true feelings because I needed the money,so I silently continued to play the game along as he was doing with Chris. I asked him why he liked me so much as I was no longer the youthful go-go boy, and there were countless other good looking gay boys who would have worshiped him if given the chance. He assured me that he didnt want anyone else,I was his type and he loved me. I’d believed beauty was one of the desired qualities a person could possess- more than goodness even,and I’d often neglected the inside in favor of bettering the outside. So Chou amazed me by his answer.
Chou lavished both time and attention on me and was a faithful lover. My lack of self-esteem prevented me from realizing that Chou considered me his equal. I wasnt just a toy boy to be discarded when a new and improved model came along. In many ways,I felt undeserving of such respect and affection. Yet I freely took his goodies without any qualms. He got me an expensive mobile phones.
I regularly found ways to go and see Cindy and my son and figured out that Chou would start asking questions. I pre-empted a nasty situation and told him Cindy was my cousin,having been abandoned by her husband during pregnancy. She’d been left to raise their small child on her own so I asked  Chou to show kindness towards them  by paying the rent on her room and he gladly agreed. When I introduced Cindy to Chou they got along very well and I’d hoped,Chou asked Cindy and Jayne to move in with us. This made life a lot easier for me,as it meant I no longer had to travel back and forth between the two places.
In Chou’s presence I acted the role of Cindy’s older cousin. But unbeknownst to him,I regularly sleep with her. Cindy,on the other hand was a willing accomplice in our charade. It’s hard to believe that Chou never for once questioned the relationship between Cindy and I but he suspected something but he remained dumb by playing along. I once again promised Cindy that I would find an alternative job before our baby grow old enough to know what I am doing for a living. So I asked Chou for money to open a boutique. Cindy and I traveled to stock the boutique with the money Chou has given us and we started running our own boutique which was managed by Cindy and we make a profit of about 35-70 dolls per day. We earned a nice profit and were happy with out success. When she wasn’t working at the boutique, Cindy cleaned Chou’s apartment and took care of other household duties. Chou thought of Cindy as both a friend and a housemaid. We were a happy bunch indeed.

Unfortunately,as the pressure of providing for my family eased,my big-headedness grew. Greed got the better of me once again as I’d found a goose whose golden eggs both lined my pocket and fed my ego. I always had 300 dolls on me at any given time and stupidly,I thought I could easily double it through gambling. I wasn’t worried that gambling is a crime.
During my first few ventures into gambling dens,I miraculously managed to come away with an extraordinary profit. I even shared some of the money with Chou as a way of thanking him. I was sure he’d be happy,but instead he warned me gravely against returning to the dens. He thought that in the long run they would bring only misery. I didn’t listen and as if cursed by his disapproval,started  on a loosing streak that continued from that day on. I returned home nightly to be greeted by Chou’s disappointed look,leaving me feel frustrated. Some nights I would loose everything and even accrue debt,which meant that I’d have to call Chou to bail me out. When my debts began to accumulate,I ransacked the apartment,stole as many valuables as I could and headed to a pawnshop. I took mobile phones,digital cameras and other valuables that added up to large amount of money.

Chou must have been shocked even appalled when he realized  what I’d done but oddly enough he never confronted me. He spoke to Cindy instead. One day she caught me red handed putting Chou’s mobile phone in my pocket and ordered me to put it back immediately. She then commented that she hadn’t seen me using the mobile phone Chou had bought for in quite a long time. I gave her a feeble excuse that it was with an engineer for fixing and that I was only borrowing Chou’s phone for a while. She didn’t believe me so she search my wallet and found a receipt proving that I had pawned the phone a week ago. She became so furious and warned me not to mess things up when we were doing so well. She reminded me that I should be grateful to have a generous patron like  Chou and not take him for granted.Instead of feeling ashamed at this rebuke,I just became angry. She had been giving out to me a lot lately about all kinds of issues so I simply ignored her protests. I put Chou’s phone in my pocket  back and cursed her on my way out the door. She warned Chou against keeping valuables in the house and ridiculed me in front of him by asking if I had the nerve to carry the refrigerator to the pawnshop. I felt as if they were ganging up on me and I hated it.
The fact that Cindy had a close ally in Chou made her more assertive and confrontational with me . So my response was to drink and gamble all the more. It was easy to do so when I didn’t have to worry about making ends meet-Chou took care of that. Cindy and I began arguing and frequently and my anger at her began to escalate into violence. I felt that I had always been good provider and that she shouldn’t begrudge me a few pleasures. I was simply blind to the fact that it was actually Chou who was the provider now and not me. Once again in my life I felt my masculinity slipping away.

Letter to my dear mother

Dear mother,

You were my best friend, best counselor and the best gift I ever had. The memory of the very first day you called me to your room and asked me ‘ Do you have anything to tell me about yourself?’ still lies in my head.

Dear mother I wish you could hear me now, there is this new guy that I just met and his name his Francis, he is 6ft tall and very handsome with a beautiful smile and guess what mum I had told him about you and he wish you were here to say yes, I know my son is gay.

Dear mother I don’t know how much words I can use to describe you mother. You were a very rare gem mother because all you ever taught me was to love, cherish and care for others. You told me to take pride in myself and to give me the very best support even if that is the last thing you will ever do but it is a pity that you are no longer here today.

I remember the day I had told you that I am gay and I like men, you smiled and said to me ‘why has it taken you so long to tell me’. You told me that being gay is not who I am, it is about whom I sleep with and that I should never forget that I am a human.

Dear mother, I could still remember vividly you told me that I should never forget to have a child at least one, so that you can be proud of me but it is a pity that you are not here to see your grand daughter because she is just a replica of you and I named her after you.

I was with her in the hospital; I sat very close to her like her favourite pet. I had remembered how much she promised to support me and would always protect me as her egg. She had told me that she wanted me to be happy and had several miscarriages before having me and how I eventually became the last child of three boys.

The final day before she died, I saw her struggling to say a word but I could not hear but I could tell she was trying to say ‘I LOVE YOU’ I also told her I love her but I don’t seems she heard me. I could see she was gone but left with me was her body.

I was in a deep sorrow when I spoke to my mother and she could not respond. I felt like be buried with her as I watched my mother’s body being laid to rest, most people there could not understand why I was the one with the loudest cry among all my siblings. It was like my world has come to end, my best friend has been snatched away by death.

You are who you are.

During that week Emma was out on a business trip and Lizzy and I had arranged to have dinner in her house that night. I decided not to tell her about her husband act towards me at the swimming pool. I was drying myself while he was still in the shower. I put my foot on the bench to dry my leg. He was talking about his improvement on tennis. I was standing with my back to him drying my stomach while he spoke. I did not notice he was coming towards me. Without warning…he put his arms around my chest and pulled my body against his. I could feel the softness of his dick and balls against me. I could feel his breath on my neck as he tried to lift me in the air. I could have elbowed him in the stomach but I did nothing. He was careful in the way he behaved to suggest that this was just a friendly moment in a shower room. When he took his hands away he moved them down to my balls and then felt my ass. When I turned he could see that I had a hard-on. I looked at his dick but it was hanging down loose.

It doesn’t take much to get you excited, he said. He was smiling as though he had discovered something that he has always wanted to know. I was embarrassed. I went to my locker to get my clothes. My dick was still hard. He dried himself facing me.
Do you do that to many guys? I asked him.
‘You enjoyed it, didn’t you?
‘Is that why you did it?
He walked over towards me and put his hands on my ass. Yea that’s why I did it, he said and smiled at me.

I was nervous and edgy when I arrived and I was afraid that she would notice. The doors of the dining room were wide open and there was a sweet smell. The wine was rich and strong and the food was such a good one and she looked beautiful across the table from me. I enjoyed things about her teeth and the smoothness of her hair. In the glow of that dinner I almost loved her and I understood what it would be like for the two of us to want each other but knowing fully that there was nothing in the way. As I thought about this I felt she knew what was on my mind. I could imagine myself lying with her, caressing her face and her breasts and then she smiled. One of the servants came and took the dishes away. I wanted to tell her about her husband: I knew how sordid it would sound, how alien, and I wondered it would also sound pointless, if it had haunted me for days but would probably seem to her merely an odd coincidence, hardly worth telling.
We talked until it grew dark and one of the servants came to light a lamp and take the cups away. It must have been the heat of the evening, or the power of the brandy or the wine, but I found myself thinking again about going to bed with her, her arms around me, her lips against my chest.
What are you thinking? she asked.
I’m thinking about shares, I said.
‘There is something funny about you always,she said. ‘Some parts of you are strong and really serious, and then you change suddenly and then you seem weak,you hesitate. I like all that about you,how hard is it to know you.
‘What do you want me to say?
No,nothing. I like you,that’s all.
She poured some brandy and then yawned and stretched. I felt that things would never be like this again for us: the quietness in the house,the heat of the night,the way we seemed to spend our days idling. I wanted to ask her about herself. What was she doing here? What her marriage was like? I wanted to bring her closer to me.

Why don’t you stay here? She asked; There’s no one else in the house. The servants have all gone.
I was embarrassed now,she saw this as she stood up.
You are so strange sometimes,she said.
I was going to ask how he would feel staying here while he was away but I do not want to sound too prissy. She went into her room and brought out the set of keys.
‘Will you help me lock up for the night,she asked.

I have never been in the bedroom before. The decoration was modern and bright. The walls,the duvet cover and the carpet were all beautiful. The room looked comfortable,attractive. I sat on one of the chairs and watched her flitting about like a shadow.I presumed that I was sleeping here besides her in the bed. I did not ask. I said nothing. When she went into the bathroom,I sat back and listened to the sound of the shower. I imagined her soaping herself. I took off my shoes. When she came out she was naked. In the lamplight her breasts were much larger and stronger than I had imagined. They hung down like ripe pears; all the bottom part was nipple. I wondered if many women’s breasts were like this: the breasts I had seen in films and magazines seemed floppier and lighter;the nipples were different. Lizzy’s breasts looked as though someone had shaped them,sculpted them.
Aren’t you coming to bed? she asked.
I stripped and crossed the room and went to the bathroom,which was full of some expensive fragrance. The mirror was steamed that I could not looked at myself. My mind was full of questions: what would Emma says if he found out that I was sharing a bed with his wife? Did Lizzy had many lovers? Did she know that I had only been with men? did she suspect it? I went out of the bathroom and turned off the light and shut the door.
We moved towards each other and embraced. We remained still and said nothing. Her face was buried in my neck. Her skin was perfectly smooth and soft. I ran my hand up and down her back and I cupped my hand over breasts and began to kiss her nipples. I put my hand between her legs and felt the soft wetness there. I could smell the moist sweetness which came from her. She was excited. I could feel in the way she responded and gripped me and kissed me. I waited for the moment when she would reach down and put her hand on my dick. I waited with fear because I knew that my dick was soft. I wondered if I carried on,would it become hard? If I imagined that I was in bed with a man,would I get an erection? I was masquerading,imitating what a man does in bed with a woman but it was not working. The more I thought about it,the more tense I became. I felt powerless. I fondled her body,caressed her warm skin but it was like playing with a child,it meant nothing to me,there was no excitement,none of the effortless satisfaction and pure pleasure and sense of ease that I got from being in bed with a man. There was something inside me,unknowable,mysterious,lurking in the spaces within me which no one could touch,something desperately real and exact,which made all the difference, and meant now that this beautiful body was besides me and did not excite me and my penis lay limp.
When she discovered that I did not have an erection,she lay back and stared at the ceiling and said nothing. I felt humiliated.
‘Is it me? she asked
‘You prefer boys to girls?
I probably should have told you that before,I said. she reached for her cigarettes on the beside table and lit one.
‘I wish I was a boy just right now’,she said.
‘I wish you were too,’ I said and nudged towards her and held her in my arms.

Have you always been gay?
‘Ever since I was a little boy,I had always had this feelings for men but thought I could correct it I replied and then she kissed me on my ear.

I thought that Emma was gay when I first met him. Maybe it was because he had a mustache and someone had told me that gay men always wore mustaches but he turned out not to be or may be he would have been a bisexual.

I felt embarrassed and she said ‘it is nothing to feel ashamed of,you can’t change who you are.

I knew that I was different.

When I came home from school my mother would still be at work. I put my school bag down and my copybooks on the dining room table. I was just a teenager of 13 who had just lost his father three months ago. I was alone there,except for some ghostly remnants  of my father that hovered in corners,except for some aspects of myself which I did not understand,desires and longings which did not seem part of the everyday world,which would not have been understood by the church congregations as they greeted us on our way out of Sunday service.
Sometimes,when I wandered around those empty rooms,I  dreamed that I was a woman not a girl,but a woman like my mother. I opened her wardrobe,and touched her clothes,found out most of her things would fit me. I imagined I was her. I bolted the door of the apartment so that if she came back early she would not surprise me as I put on her clothes.
I stripped and pretended that I was a woman,I put on her underclothes and her brassiere,and then her dark skirt and blouse and jacket. I put one of her hats on my head and I moved about the apartment. I felt like I was her during my father’s funeral,I saw a photograph of the funeral and saw my aunt dressed in all black,wearing a mini black gown,a black scarf and a Gucci dark sunglasses. I took her scarf and wore one of her black pump shoes in my mother’s bedroom and I walked slowly around the apartment as though I were following my  husband’s coffin.

“I knew that I was different from every other male students in class with my effeminacy but the word gay never occurred to me”.

There are times that I wanted to be among the boys,times that I was labelled some feminine names like, Lady-boy, Sissy, Princess Diana but I had always had a future desire of becoming either Celine dion as she was my favourite female singer or Diana Ross but at the age I was me and I was free.

There are times  I looked at myself in the mirror,my shape  and tried to imagine what it would be like to be married,to take my clothes off in front of my husband,to go to bed with him and to be penetrated by him.  I did not do this everyday. Sometimes,I went to wait for my mother in the lobby at the hotel where she was working as a cook .But other days I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror pretending it was a woman’s face. When people asked me what I was going to be,I found it hard to answer. I had no vision of a real future in which I would take part,in which I would find a job and start a family. I wanted to be a woman,I wanted to have a tragedy and dress in black.

The go-go boys 3

I was unable to keep my promise to stop working as a go-go boy on becoming a father and I had kept dancing and hustling for several years afterwards.
It became increasingly difficult though to find clients in my recent club so I opted for a change of scenery. I therefore moved to a very popular gay bar although I would never hear from Pa Peter again but it didn’t take me long to meet a new patron. He was an American called John. We hit it off amazingly well and he soon asked me to be his boyfriend. He lived together with few other friends. I moved in as a house boy. The house was very spacious and nicely decorated but he was not as generous as I’d hoped. He tried to keep me on a leash with an allowance but quite lower than pa Peter which simply wasn’t enough to raise a family. Of course, I didn’t tell him that I had a young family and he most likely thought the amount of money was more than adequate for one person.

Leading a double life and travelling back and forth between John and Cindy took its toll and I became increasingly stressed. I was trying my best to make more  money especially considering how precarious my ‘houseboy’ position was.
John didn’t like me working as a go-go dancer and was eager to make our relationship exclusive. So I was forced to sneak out of the house either to see my family or to work while John was at work. I managed to visit Cindy and Jayne twice a week to give them what money I could.

One night at the go-go bar,I met a Dutchman named Yvan. He sat with an Asian woman from Thailand who I assumed was either his girlfriend or a guide helping to procure a man. On what I considered lucky occasions,I was bought by couples and was ordered to pleasure the wife while the husband lustfully looked on. In this case, I assumed that Yvan was gay so I directed my attention towards him. He became increasingly uncomfortable,though and finally explained that he wasn’t actually gay but he needed a man to star in some porn movies and it seemed that I was the man he has been looking for. The Asian woman who happened to be his wife introduced herself as Wan from Thailand and complimented me on my good, clean looking and nicely shaped body. Yvan promised me 1000 dolls a month for my time,so I wasn’t going to turn down an appointment to meet with them at their hotel downtown to discuss the job in more detail. I was surprised by my good luck and congratulated myself for having stumbled upon this golden opportunity. My earnings from the bar,even when combined with John’s allowance weren’t enough to cover expenses of two adults and a child not to mention of the little extra I wanted for myself.
The following day I met Yvan at the hotel lobby as promised . We bought few beers and sat at a secluded corner. He assured me that his porn movies will only be made available online inn Holland upon subscription. From the start he explained to me the kind of pornography he wanted to produce and he told me that the best adjective to describe it was ‘unconventional’. He wanted to film Asian and black women ‘playing’ with excrement,urine and vomit; and also have a dog feature in some scene. My face instantly registered disgust but Yvan assured me that the camera will only focus on the women and not on the men so I needn’t not worry too much and after-all most of the subscribers will be interested in the women and not the men. My gut instinct was to just get up and walk away but Yvan pleaded with me to think about it, saying that he needed someone with my talents. I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I went over the proposal in my mind several times.

Finally I concluded that since I’d participated in so many other less-than-desirable activities through the years,what difference would one more make? It wasn’t as if I was some  sort of fairy-tale character- I think Jayne’s has brought good luck to me. I began to recall some of the scenarios I ‘d gotten myself into over the years.

I know we Africans are endowed but have never come across such a black man in my life. Once an African client asked me to bottom for him which I agreed because he was the first black guys I have met all these years although I have this thing for black American boys I started by unzipping his trousers but when he had finally unleashed his penis it was like a museum antique. It was the biggest and the longest which I would refer to as monstrous and instantly my yes became a No as I was scared I would end up in the hospital for a surgery but instead he asked me to give him oral sex,but I couldn’t fit his penis into my mouth without half-choking on it.I had to use my both hands to literally wrestled his monstrous piece which I licked from base to tip to help speed up his climax. He was a gentle man though and respected my limitations but the taste and odour made my stomach turn.
I also remembered an oyinbo man who used to hang out in the bar’s toilet. He’d approach go-go boys and offer to pay them to urinate into his mouth while he masturbated. I’m not kidding he actually paid to drink our urine. We go-go boys used to roar with laughter whenever we talked about this man and used to look forward for our toilet sessions. He became so well known,in fact, the second he turned up we’d start ordering larger beers. While he preferred younger boys,he was willing to give 5 dolls to anyone streaming the pee down his throat. Some boys managed to make three or four rounds a night and so made up to 20 dolls. Hell,some of us saw this adventure to the bathroom as a way of paying for our beers. I have seen him in around different bars over the years and he still appears healthy despite his strange fetish.

Still in the bathroom pondering all I had done for money in the past,I concluded that I ‘d participated in some odd,dirty,and frequently illegal situations, so the prospect of smearing someone with feces  wouldn’t really be that outlandish. Besides,I desperately needed the money,so that was it and the decision was made yes.
I didn’t feel particularly nervous making dirty porn. I quashed any rumblings of guilt by reminding myself that I was  being well paid. Several other men were also acting in the films and all seemed to have adopted  the same attitude. Our females co-stars had been recruited from female bars and I scanned the room and saw many of them were obviously past their prime as prostitutes,whereas the few young ladies were clearly desperate for money. Before shooting the cast was required to test negative for STD and AIDS.
None of the actors were happy to be engaging in such displays but we all had our reasons and focusing on these helped us through them. My reason was the welfare of my family, and I suspected that other actors had similar motivations.

I worked for Yvan intermittently for almost a year and I have no idea how many movies in total I starred in. Yvan and his wife even performed at the scenes themselves. I managed to keep my job a secret the entire time,especially from John. I didn’t not contact anyone participating in these films after I left:enough was enough. Not only had the work been awful,but it was also extremely monotonous.


Crucify Lucifer

Suddenly, she became a vampire that fed on the blood of human by replacing  her piece of meat with human flesh and her red-wine with blood.She derives pleasure in abusing the little fresh,innocent blood of her adopted son until the little boy was infected with herpes. I felt I  should strangle her to death and paid dearly for it but for the love of my little adopted son I had to surrender. It is not just a poem but a true life story by Baba Sowande

I should kill her; she deserves it!
But malevolence surely becomes the One who serves it!

So I’m stuck,
between the proverbial rock and hard place…
and sucked
into a race
toward damnation.
Still elation
eludes me
just the same
and fuels me in vain…
since I’m bound by obligation
found through inner conversation
with Myself.

Something Else
guides me!

I’m unfree
to avenge
through violent binge
in the name of righting wrong.

Oh the pain the pain the pain the pain!
Bruising and insane
in me!

But “elementary,
dear Watson”…
it is not some
Christ-like imitation
that constrains my base temptation
to extinguish her and alter her existence,
but instead the stern insistence
of my Higher Self to ascend
those non-majestic things within.

God’s in Me.
And Lucifer too!
But I am true
to The Everlasting Light;
so she gets to live another night
and unstunted
by Me in her rotten little void!

I will sacrifice the sweetness of revenge.

Although I cringe
at the lost…